不友善的話

你有發覺嗎？日常生活裡，好多人的說話，那麼不覺知地，非常不友善。
這些話，有時出自父母口中，有時出自身邊的關鍵人物口中。
我小時看村子裡的父母罵孩子，總看著，心愈退愈遠，覺得成人非常可怕。
千萬不要讓他們看見我，讓自己隱形，要看見我了，他們會如此殘忍對待我、傷害我。

年少，媽媽罵的許多話裡，最讓我傷心的，是她對爸爸說：「我就看死你一輩子不會有出息！」
我看著爸爸的神情，好傷。
好痛。
多麼難以接受，一個人對另一個人，可以如此殘忍、殘酷。

我看過鄰居對媽媽患精神病的小女孩說：你媽有病，是你害的。
你可以想像嗎？這樣的話對一個孩子心靈所造成的陰影。

你記得嗎？那些不友善的話？

允許及，當下

忽然想起很久以前看過的一本書，一位男治療師聽著當事人訴說她的一再流產，對方一面說一面不停流淚，治療師很手足失措，覺得自己身為男人，無法真正理解一個女人一再流產的哀傷，看著對方一直流淚，他想使用甚麼skills（嘿心理治療很多招式滴.....）卻覺得說甚麼都不妥，一句話都說不出來，他只能很無助地無言看著對方哭。

整個session他只能聽，看著對方，無言。

末了，當事人很衷心地對他說：「謝謝你！從來沒有人這麼諒解我！」

那書是一位治療師的自述，說的是同理的力量。

去感受另一個人的感受，與那感受同在，是全世界最大的治療及力量。

好多人一直生活在不覺知的焦慮裡，老忙著填補空隙空洞及沉默，腦子老轉個不停，老在想下一歩該做甚麼。
有時候，是甚麼都不做，臨在。
在我那麼哀傷的時候，你在。
經驗過這種感覺嗎？
感受過自己因此被激發的內在力量嗎？那種感動，對生命的感恩。

它是允許感受，允許哀傷。

The power of denial

去年夏天，我一位同學死於厭食症。
他叫依安。

那個夏天之前的聖誕假期後，同學們見依安極顯然地消瘦許多，關切問候，依安皆表沒事。

復活節假期後，依安瘦到皮包骨。明顯的厭食症現象。同學們關切之餘更焦慮。諸般交流，誰要再靠近一點兒，依安便發出強烈訊息：Back off!

班裡有兩位醫生，醫生很清楚厭食症的後果：心臟及身體器官衰竭。醫生同學與院方商談。
院方第一次與依安交渉，依安拍心口：我沒事！不用擔心！

依安再明顯沒有的厭食症，令院方第二次再跟他交渉，依安這回的反應是：Back off!
英國很尊重人權，院方沒有任何理由對依安採取任何行動。

努力地第三回交渉，間接地對依安說，這訓練有時得耗體力，譬如抬sand tray, 那在你可能是個risk.....也許你可以考慮暫時休假？......
依安很清楚：你沒有適當的理由開除我的學籍！

然後便夏天了，2012暑假，依安心臟衰竭去逝。

開學時驚聞噩訊的同學震驚兼悲傷，之餘，憤怒。

院方額外安排午休時間group process讓有需要的同學參與。
我出席，因為我要知道院方有沒盡心盡力。
院方和依安的交渉，是我在那group process裡知悉的答案。

當帶領group process的導師提及依安的媽媽請問可否接收依安訓練期間的作品，我眼淚不禁上湧。好為他媽媽心痛。一個媽媽的心。她的痛。

靜默與哀傷裡，導師說：The legacy Ian left us, the power of denial.

正視感受

We offer support to children when we listen patiently and sympathetically to their concerns and their grievances, and when we are willing to repair the conflicts that occur, inevitably, in our relationships. Children learn invaluable lessons from moments of repair. They learn that, although it is not always easy, moments of anger and misunderstanding are moments and can be repaired.
/Kenneth Barish, Ph.D.

不只是父母和孩子的關係，其他關係亦然。
你和我需要的，是願意聆聽的心，要被同理，被認同。要被看見、被聽見。
儘管我的心事或感受在那一刻顯得多皮毛多不實際。
磨擦發生了，去acknowledge，去處理，去溝通。
不別過身去。
請不要別過身去。

我想起小時一回，父母說要帶我去動物園，我興奮地充滿期望地等待那一天，想像自己可以和父母「一起」（父母總忙著吵架打架幹活，其實都沒和我「一起」）的時光。
那一天到來，父母忘了那回事。
我很失望問媽媽：不是說要去動物園嗎？
媽媽恍然，沒一回事說：「哎呀這星期不得空，下星期六去吧！」
下個星期六，媽媽若無其事。
我也不問了。我寫日記：
永遠永遠不要相信大人的話。
永遠永遠不要相信大人的話。
永遠永遠不要相信大人的話。
（是的，我重復寫了很多行這句話。）

傷心欲絕。
當時表達不出的那個感覺是：覺得自己被欺騙，被玩弄，被漠視。
我的感受不被看見、理解。我的存在不被尊重。
我被我父母背叛。

如果要審判，你可以說：怎麼這麼小器？這麼不大量！怎麼這麼記仇？
不，我已不怪我父母，我也不記恨那回事。
我說的是一個小孩的感受。
一個人的感受。

同時聲明一下，年少的我，在重復寫「永遠永遠不要相信大人的話。」之前，已有許多不被看見不被聽見感覺自己不存在感覺被背叛的經驗／感受，現在回頭看，我會說那事件是鴼鴕背上最後一根稻草。
它是我生命的轉捩點。
那之後，內心裡我真的再也難以信任大人。或，人。

（當然，後來峰迴路轉，我重新學習信任。:) ）

背後

每一句「開玩笑罷了！」，背後都另有真相。
每一句「我不知道！」，背後都有「知道」。
每一句「我不管！」，背後都另帶情感。
每一句「還好」，背後都另有傷痛。

關於溝通。
學心理治療常被訓練聆聽寂靜(silence)，那沉默或寂靜說的是甚麼？
譬如見一位憂鬰症者，說話間他突然沉默半晌，我被教導的是，沉默之前發生了甚麼？(What happened before the silence?) 我說了甚麼？或，他說了甚麼？
我在那寂靜中感受了甚麼？
我可以由上述其中一個點向對方提問。或我說：What was going on for you?/What was happening?/Where were you?
沉默與寂靜是充滿訊息的。如果懂得去溝通，聆聽。
聆聽寂靜。

要懂得聆聽寂靜得先懂得與寂靜相處。
與孤獨相處。
要不然，便忙忙地略過，用聲音或動作填補那寂靜。

懂得聆聽寂靜，你會懂得起首的那三行字。
開玩笑罷了！那玩笑是怎麼開起來的，那一刻，你腦裡閃過的念頭是甚麼？心裡感受了甚麼？如果你讓自己安靜一下，看一看。那便是玩笑底下的真相。

治療裡當事人很常被問問題時說「我不知道」。我應對的方式是：「那說你知道的。你知道的是甚麼？」
一定都知道，都有答案。
「我不知道」說的是：我不想對自己負起責任。別人／你知道，你給我答案。
你幫我負責我的生命。
那是把自己的力量（power）交給別人。

每個人心裡都有自己的答案。

「我不管！」
曾經我如此回應導師，導師應我：What's behind "I don't care" is anger.
是憤怒嗎？是有的。也還有其他許多感受。
看看吧，當你說「我不管！」，你的感受是甚麼。

問候人，常聽到的是「還好」「還不是這樣」。
聽著，那感受是無奈的。彷彿生活很麻木不仁，不得志。
當然有人的「還好」是：還滿意。
被問候，我要嘛回答：很好！活著真好！
要嘛，會略為報告：在寫功課啊，散散漫漫心神不在，看書看到頭昏腦脹.....／很快樂，下雪令我很快樂，在雪裡散歩很快樂.....
我不麻木不仁地回答「還好」。

Permission to be human

 
我很喜歡這個系列和這個人，大力推薦！

這集裡我特別共鳴的是: Permission to be human. Acceptance, accepting emotions. Why? Because if we don't accept pain emotions, we don't give ourselves the permission to be human, we are blocking our emotional pathways, and positive emotions and pain emotions often flow of the same emotional pathways, and when we are limiting one we are very often limiting the other, so if we open up the pathways, give ourselves the permission to be human, give ourselves the permission to cry when we are sad or ecstatic, that very often opens up, makes it more likely that we experience positive emotion as well. Paradoxical, but this is the paradox of the permission to be human.

曾經我很抽離地看自己和生命。那感覺不見得壞。只我情緒很平行線，啥人再跳躍歡喜和我報告他的雀躍，我微笑點點頭，告訴我甚麼悲傷事件，我淡淡然：生命如此。

生命恩待我（是的），後來我諸般機緣與因緣，某一天忽然BANG!火山爆發海嘯狂捲地獄裡不斷下墮經歷自己內在最深層的痛，血淋淋傷口曝露炎陽下寒風裡鹽巴如雨降落在我傷口上。沒有止盡。我狂怒我看見自己深層的恐懼我極端哀痛。無法言喻。完全失去個人控制，被瘋狂拋擲。

痛。
非常痛。
非常無力。

在傷痛無力裡一天上學途中，霧好大。我心哀傷。忽然，我臉頰感受霧氣裡的水珠。我感受天使親吻我。每一顆水珠，都是天使的吻。

那之後，我的生命開始流動。
那之後，我發覺，有多痛，便有多快樂。

活著。那是活著的感覺。

在我不知道它如何發生的時候，我允許了自己的人性：我壓抑了之前整個生命的痛，它被允許了。
它轉徹底轉化我的生命。

你不需要老是積極往前看，不悶嗎？老是降子被告知。
來點不一樣的吧，允許你的傷與痛。
你憤怒嗎？謝謝你的憤怒，我擁抱你。和你的憤怒。
你恐懼嗎？謝謝你的恐懼，我擁抱你，和你的恐懼。
感謝及擁抱你所有之前不被允許的感受。
擁抱你的人性。

我愛你。

PAUSE

朋友用一句「你太嚴肅了.....」，於是乎我很認真地和朋友開會討論這個課題。

我的而且確有我極嚴肅、認真的一面。
我喜歡自己這一面。一點兒不覺得自己「太」甚麼。

我的嚴肅認真平衡我性情裡很bonkers愛take risks的一面。
它們都是美好的。

我要說的不是我。
要說的是，我很反對對人說話用「你太.....」，事因，每個人都有自己的特性及思維方式，不符個己想像／期望便被「你太......」在我是很judmental、dismissal甚而patronising的。
好多人往往被「你太.....」時會置疑自己，覺得自己不對，該改「正」。
好多小孩是在這種「你太.....」的壓制下長大的，因此很習慣被「你太....」了便覺得自己不對了。那個內在小孩，為了求存，對生活權威（ 父母、師長、長輩）的迎合。
而本來每個人是他自己便已是完美的。沒有「太.....」。
我覺得這種現象需被改變。
這是我的革命精神。
便由日常生活說話裡開始吧。

留意自己的說話用詞。
學習時常pause.
停。看。
看看自己的感受。
是甚麼原因我選擇這個字眼。

How Trauma Is Carried Across Generations

Holding the secret history of our ancestors.

Published on May 28, 2012 by Molly S. Castelloe, Ph.D. in The Me in We

 

What is overwhelming and unnamable is passed on to those we are closest to. Our loved ones carry what we cannot. And we do the same.
This is the subject of Lost in Transmission: Studies of Trauma Across Generations, edited by M. Gerard Fromm (2012). This collection of essays on traumatic transmission builds on the idea that “what human beings cannot contain of their experience—what has been traumatically overwhelming, unbearable, unthinkable—falls out of social discourse, but very often on to and into the next generation as an affective sensitivity or a chaotic urgency.”
The transmission of trauma may be particular to a given family suffering a loss, such as the death of an infant, or it can be a shared response to societal trauma.
Maurice De Witt, a sidewalk Santa on Fifth Avenue noticed a marked change in behavior the holiday season following 9/11 when parents would not “let the hands of their children go. The kids sense that. It’s like water seeping down, and the kids can feel it... There is an anxiety, but the kids can’t make the connections.”

“This astute man was noticing a powerful double message in the parent’s action,” Fromm says. “Consciously and verbally, the message was 'Here’s Santa. Love him.' Unconsciously and physically, it was 'Here’s Santa. Fear him.' The unnamed trauma of 9/11 was communicated to the next generation by the squeeze of a hand.”
Psychic legacies are often passed on through unconscious cues or affective messages that flow between child and adult. Sometimes anxiety falls from one generation to the next through stories told.
Psychohistorian Peter Loewenberg recalls the oral tradition of his parents who lived through the hunger years in Germany during the First World War when the physical health and stature of a generation was stunted due to prolonged malnutrition. According to their stories, a once-a-year indulgence was an orange segmented and apportioned among the entire family. Loewenberg further identifies a cause chain between physical privations of the German people during WWI, which culminated in the Great Depression (1929), and the Nazi appeal to children of Central Europe. To what extent did “the passive experiences of childhood starvation” lead to a reversal and fantasied “undoing” through the hunger regimen and cruelty of the concentration camps? (Lowenberg, 61)

The Phoenix Kimono, painting by Arthur Hunter-Blair

He cites another example of group transmission and its reversal. "The greatest Chinese historical trauma was undoubtedly the humiliation of the Japanese Imperial land” (1937-1945). When Chairman Mao Zedong proclaimed the People’s Republic in 1949 and said “The Chinese People have stood up!” he was repairing historical shame and hurt.Psychohistorian Howard Stein takes up the topic of collective trauma in America and imagines all the possible directions trauma can be transmitted in nations, ethnic groups, religions, and families. Trauma can be transferred in "vertical" direction, for example, in the brutal downsizing of a corporation. This is also the case in a leadership change at a local church after a pastor has been accused of sexual misconduct.
Stein articulates "horizontal" transmission as the circulation of injury among people in more equivalent powers relations. This is often the experience of health professionals working with victims of large scale disaster, such as the Oklahoma City bombing (1995), who suffer the empathy of witnessing second-hand. Vertical and lateral transmissions may happen concurrently, in relation to the same event.
Traumatic transmission ferries out unacknowledged grief along multiple vectors. Stein says mourning is "short-circuited," groups become "stuck" in time, and collective solidarity is created in the process.
Transmission is the giving of a task. The next generation must grapple with the trauma, find ways of representing it and spare transmitting the experience of hell back to one's parents. A main task of transmission is to resist disassociating from the family hertiage and "bring its full, tragic story into social discourse." (Fromm, xxi)
Often one child within a family is nominated to both carry and communicate the grief of their predecessors. There was a man who entered a Holocaust Museum requesting that the institution keep the remains of the tattooed serial number taken from his arm. The chosen child is analogously charged with the mission of keeping the family heritage, being a “holding environment.”
How do we carry secret stories from before our lifetimes?
Transgenerational transmissions take on life in our in dreams, in acting out, in “life lessons” given in turns of phrase and taught us by our family. Discovering transmission means coming to know and tell a larger narrative, one from the preceding generation. It requires close listening to the stories of our parents and grandparents, with special attention to the social and historical milieu in which they lived -- especially its military, economic and political turmoil.
The emotional ties between child and ancestors are essential to the development of our values. These bonds often determine the answers to myriad questions such as: “Who am I?” "Who am I to my family?” “Who can ‘we’ trust” and who are our enemies?” “What ties me to my family?” And, most importantly, “of these ties, which do I reject and which to I keep?" (Barri Belnap, 127)
How does one discharge this mission? It is a precarious terrain of finding one's way through a web of familial loyalties to which one has been intensely faithful. The working through of transmission entails a painful, seemingly unbearable, process of separation. It can become an identity crisis, the breaking of an emotional chain. As Fromm puts it, “something life defining and deeply intimate is over.” The child speaks what their parent could not. He or she recognizes how their own experience has been authored, how one has been authorized, if unconsciously, to carry their parents’ injury into the future. In rising above the remnants of one's ancestors' trauma, one helps to heal future generations.



http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-me-in-we/201205/how-trauma-is-carried-across-generations

關於自殺

立定決心求死的人，是不會透露任何訊息的。
透露訊息的人，是在求助。
一般人聽見他人說自殺，會恐慌焦慮，恐慌焦慮之下可能denial，叫對方別亂想，跟對方rationalise──有人比你更慘更痛苦，你怎麼可以放棄.......
Denial和rationalisation是防衛機制。

華人的社會文化，這套方式一直不被置疑。用理性態度處理感受。
想像，如果是你，很痛苦、迷失時，你希望得到怎麼樣的對待？
你需要的是甚麼？

是時候棄舊換新了。
學習用心。
用心生活。
聆聽自己的心，他人的心。


如果回到心，心的感受。
感受對方的焦慮、痛苦、絕望與孤獨。
用心，傾聽對方。
允許對方釋放內在的情緒。
很可能你便救了一條命。
傾聽的方量很大(powerful)。

有人跟你說自殺的話，要談。
不會因為你跟他談了等於鼓勵他去自殺。
是反過來，跟對方談，傾聽對方，可減輕或令對方打消自殺的念頭。
Gently探問對方要如何自殺。如果說得出細詳計劃的，慎重以待。他是認真的。
否則，可能只是一時的情緒。
沮喪時一個念頭「死掉算了」很多人都有過。這樣一個念頭是有安撫作用的，讓人感覺「有出路」。

給對方一個用心、用力的擁抱。
學習擁抱。
學習陪伴。
給予陪伴。


學習，允許情緒。
讓情緒被表達。

擁抱大家。
祝福大家。

當下

Pain

When inward tenderness finds the secret hurt,
pain itself will crack the rock and Ah!!!
let the SOUL emerge.

/Rumi

What Does it Mean to Let Go?

In the shift of Human Consciousness we’re often talking about ‘letting go’

But what does it mean?

How do we truly let go?

In the coaching that I do, I often find there’s a subtle inner program that makes people want to avoid challenging and difficult circumstances. It’s certainly a conditioning from society. To me, true letting go, is a continual process of confrontation of the moment and surrendering into what we really feel…

Surrender is not blind acceptance

Another term that often get’s spoken of in spiritual circles is that of ‘acceptance’ – accepting totally without reservation what appears on our landscape. I agree with this whole-heartedly, but what actually IS appearing on your consciousness landscape?

Again we have to be careful of avoidance here. Some will say “if it doesn’t feel right, then don’t do it. If it doesn’t flow, then it can’t be coming from the soul. So just let go and do something else.”

“But sometimes to be in the flow is for nothing to be flowing at all.”It could be that resistance in the field is exactly what we need to discover a new facet of beingness.

Synchronicity and the natural pull of the soul

What I mean by this is that synchronicity and the natural pull of the soul, doesn’t take us into the ‘good’ places without first confronting the ‘bad’ – that which makes us tight and close down. Because it is only through this inner confrontation that we expand, evolve and grow…

If you want to be courageous, pray for situations that require courage
If you want to be forgiving, pray for situations that cause you to forgive
If you want to be expanded and light, pray for situations that are dark and close down.
To be truly free, we must confront that which takes our freedom away,
For it is only us that truly determines how we experience life.

Profound self honesty

So it would seem that we face a paradox then. On the one hand, there’s a sense of rightness to the flow of the soul. There’s a knowing of when we’re truly aligned.
And when we’re in the flow of the ‘rightness’, then synchronicity just clicks into place, supporting our actions. But then on the other hand, the flow will take us into the places we get tight – places that don’t feel so good.

It’s all about profound self honesty. When we’re being truly honest with ourselves, we know what the soul is really inviting us to do and we know when we’re in avoidance – our actions just don’t feel right. Even (and especially) if everything feels easy.

Transcendence

It’s all about ‘transcendence’. Having the courage to confront the moment as it truly is, to accept what is appearing on our landscape, then to go deeply into the feelings that arise.

These feelings may be very dense, dark and unpleasant. Nevertheless, to truly clear the energy and evolve past it, we must go into it, feel it again and liberate that aspect of our soul which is identifying with it.

The remarkable paradox is, that when we truly do this, it is not that hard to process the energy. And with this transcendence, there usually follows amazing expansions, infusions of healing energy, and the sense of enlightenment. To me, this is what it truly means to let go.

Video: From “Good Will Hunting”. The clip shows perfectly how initially we can so easily suppress and deny what we really feel. But then if gently pushed, how we can surrender into that which limits and holds us back…

By Chris Bourne

http://wakeup-world.com/2012/05/03/what-does-it-mean-to-let-go/

Feeling

From my perspective as an existential psychologist, feeling is a form of intelligence. It’s the body’s direct, holistic, intuitive way of knowing and responding. It is highly attuned and intelligent. And it takes account of many factors all at once, unlike our conceptual mind, which can only process one thing at a time. Unlike emotionality, which is a reactivity that is directed outward, feeling often helps you contact deep inner truths. Unfortunately, traditional Buddhism doesn’t make a clear distinction between feeling and emotion, so they tend to be lumped together as something samsaric to overcome.

/John Welwood

How courageous is your love?

Part I

Many view love as a purely positive force. It is positive, but for love to live up to its advertising as the most powerful energy on the planet, it must be bigger than the feel-good experience we claim it to be. Love must embrace everything from euphoria to devastation, selflessness to utter selfishness, on both the personal and collective level. For love to be the all-encompassing force we intuit it to be, love must also be able to fully embrace and reconcile the darkness and suffering of the world. The transformation of pain and suffering into positivity, deep compassion, and healing service is the way that love achieves this and grows into its own heart to embrace all of life. This way, seeming opposites are united—Yin and Yang become one dynamic whole, and life flows deeply, courageously and robustly through and from us.

Because life is full of loss, grief must be part and parcel of love. Grief must allow us to love more, not less. When we conceal grief, we stymie the transformation of love from pain and suffering into pleasure, deeper beauty and genuine compassion. Reciprocally, love must allow us to grieve more. And it does, for the more we care for and love this world the more it breaks our hearts. Ultimately then, a sure measure of our integrated love is the degree to which our hearts have broken open and recapitulated that breaking by staying profoundly open. In this, paradoxically, we can find both a concrete and ineffable wholeness, beauty, appreciation, and an abiding care for the welfare and fulfillment for all of life.

When we grieve something we realize how much we love it, how much it has meant to us. This experience opens us to value other things that we love; that is, if we are not afraid of grief and its attendant heartache. In one way, religious notions of salvation can be a seen as another way to stave off feeling badly, as can the idea of romantic love—that someone else is going to make us happy and whole and disappear our problems.

I do not advocate seeking out heartache, but it is amazing the lengths to which humanity will go to stave off psychological pain, to the point of pervasively denying reality. Perhaps this is because pain is a taste of literal death, as are illness and trauma. We intuit that nothing will feel as bad as to die, literally. I go so far as to say that our fear of pain, as a taste of final death, is at the root of personal and planetary suffering. For we equate feeling badly with suffering. But, pain is not suffering. Suffering is, in fact, the refusal to risk or to deal with pain. Ironically, suffering is what happens when we see things non-poetically, one-sidedly, rather than paradoxically, more wholly, as the interdependence and inter-promoting properties of dark and light, Yin and Yang.

Yin-Yang theory is one of the few practical, non-dual gems of ancient wisdom we have to illuminates spirituality in everyday life. Yin and Yang are integral to Taoism, the pragmatic philosophy of living in harmony with nature, and to the practice of Chinese medicine. I am grateful for my training in Chinese medicine, to be been versed in this dynamic, profound and ultimately practical model of living that allows us to richly appreciate healing, spirituality, sustainability, ecology, economics, and all aspects of life. The key to Yin and Yang theory, and its stamp of validity for me is both its poetic and literal embrace of dark and light, good and bad, visible and invisible, happy and sad, positive and negative. These are the paradoxical, dialectical truisms that comprise the ever-changing, ever-diminishing and simultaneously regenerative flow of life.

The unity of Yin and Yang, as depicted in the Ying-Yang symbol, can be summed up as the fundamental interplay and unity of dark and light. Only when dark and light transform into and promote one another do we achieve true wholeness. This is the law of nature to which we are all subject. All of reality as we know it follows the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. When we can celebrate this cycle in our daily lives, we live a taste of the great fear at the end of our lives for which we invent our religious beliefs and unduly protect our attachments—to avoid facing the inevitability of death.

Daily disappointments and losses cut our attachments, exposing our fears and vulnerability, challenging our instincts for survival on all levels. Yet, if we can breathe deeply and allow our hearts to engage their transformational nature, of turning pain into positivity, then we can find more peace, freedom, and wholeness. The bonus of embracing and being transformed by our daily declines—our small deaths—is that we get to live more fully while still alive. Is it any wonder then that the French word for orgasm, petit mort, translates literally as “small death?”

Figurative death, when it is transformative, (as all declines potentially are) is ultimately an ecstasy, an orgasm of the heart. At our literal death, we do not get the opportunity to transform our lives; all we really know is that our physical bodies decay. Ironically, when we unilaterally deny and try to avoid death via our rejection of embracing the relatively smaller daily heartaches, our lives become a kind of sleepwalk. This happens when we do not have the courage to embrace the inherently transformative nature of our own hearts to allow pain to transform us into a generous and integral spirituality. When we do not embrace our petit morts, we perpetuate the horror we supposedly fear so much in the future. The antidote is to die, figuratively, today, so that we can truly come to life while we are still alive.

Emotional transformation is a radically creative effort. Transformation is the key to unite the polarities, the paradoxes as seeming contradictions, of life—dark Yin with light of Yang, as the circle of life. Staying close to paradox is to stay to the path of courageous spirituality, wholehearted love. The key to living with a heart of transformation is courage, the courage to honestly and frankly face and embrace the painful aspects of life at face value, yet to deal with this pain in an utterly creative way. After all, happiness is not the opposite of suffering. Transformation is. The great irony, the pitfall in the unilateral pursuit of pleasure, is that suffering results as the attempt to avoid feeling bad. The more we avoid inevitable or extant pain, the more deeply our suffering becomes entrenched in our hearts and the farther we arrive from freedom, deep love, and connecting with —especially giving to—the world in a meaningful way. Indeed, when we avoid the beauty of paradox we live out the horror of its irony.

When we can embrace the difficulties and pains of love and transform them into the feel-good qualities of compassion, depth, richness, gratitude, appreciation, beauty and wonder, we make love more all-encompassing, holistic in the deepest sense. This way, we allow love to be as powerful, as big, as whole, as unifying as what we bill it to be. We transform our hearts into the strongest emitters of energy on the planet, figuratively speaking anyway!

As part of humanity’s long history of denial and attempt to stave off feeling badly, we invented a heaven where everything is perfect. We believe in reincarnation so that death becomes not as terrifying as it really is. We abdicate our sensibilities to a distant, invented God, or an imagined perfect “light,” instead of discovering the inherent nature of morality and compassion in our own hearts via the embrace of darkness for light. We have invented millions of rituals to stave off anxiety. We have created fairy-tales of resurrection to justify a belief in our own immortality. We pray to make ourselves feel better, as wishful thinking to avoid facing the difficult and tragic realities we cannot control. These same challenges, ironically enough, free, deepen, and honestly spiritualize us. At some point we discover first-hand that a hellish life is what we live for having invented a hell and heaven in the first place.

When we take away the magical props of religion we are left with the cold hard facts of life. If we take away our addictions, obsessions and compulsions we are more apt to encounter more cold hard facts of life. If we dare to abandon, even temporarily, our compulsion to pursue the less benign assuagers of anxiety and disappointment, such as excess sex and culinary indulgences, we are also left with more of the same facts of life.

But the hard facts of life are really not so bad. To the sincere and grateful, to the insightful and courageous, the facts are certainly more desirable than chasing a life of superficial pleasures, religious delusion, and New Age fantasies. Why? Because life’s challenges and pains hold within their seemingly impenetrable shell, their seemingly endless spooky corridors, a graceful, deeply compassionate path to freedom, fulfillment, and ease in our own skin and in the world. When we relinquish escape into fairy-tales we are left in the seat of real possibility for transforming our lives and our spirituality, if we have the courage and creativity to appreciate and persevere through the paradoxes that integrate our spirituality in the world.

About the Author

Jack Adam Weber is a licensed acupuncturist, master herbalist, author, organic farmer, celebrated poet, and activist for Earth-centered spirituality. He integrates poetry, ancient wisdom, holistic medicine, and depth psychology into passionate presentations for personal fulfillment as a path to planetary transformation. His books, artwork, and provocative poems can be found at his website PoeticHealing.com.

http://wakeup-world.com/2012/05/22/the-heart-of-transformation-how-courageous-is-your-love/

428之三：關於憤怒／生氣

而關於憤怒，生活是怎麼教育我們的呢？
生氣是不好的，是沒有自我控制能力。是沒教養。

或我們自己跟自己說，生氣是不好的。
多年前談話裡我對治療師說：我從來不生氣。
治療師問我：你對生氣的理解是甚麼？
對於「生氣」，我腦裡必定浮現那一幕：那天下午爸爸不知何故（我想不起來），發了好大的脾氣，一手抓起椅子，砰！地拍在桌上。我看見椅子斷拆，桌面破裂，爸爸手掌流出血來。
整顆心被震呆。
我的宇宙在那一刻停止運行。
我的生命印記，生氣=暴力。
對於「生氣」的理解，我不曾由那個下午成長，move on.
直到治療師對我說：那是非常extreme的憤怒。生氣不限於止。
那一刻，我由「震呆」裡回過神來。咦，對！
連接回成年後的自己。看看自己，對，我常生氣！
我生氣別人以施恩態度（patronising）待我，我生氣伴侶不體諒我，我生氣別人企圖欺壓我，我生氣被人不問因原冤枉我........我氣的可多呢！
只我內心深處對「生氣」充滿恐懼。
我怕生氣。
我從來不曾面對自己的氣怒。
內心深處，我覺得生氣是不好的。是可怕的。

許多年後，我發覺，生氣有理，生氣無罪。
生氣該被表達，天經地義。
生氣不是好不是壞，生氣只是生氣。
當我生氣，我讓你知道：我很生氣！
那是應當的。

我要你聽見。
我要你知道。
我現在，很生氣。

（待續）

428之二：我內在的感受

說到428事件許多人被挑起的被背叛被遺棄的舊創，我腦裡浮現的是小時表妹被阿姨慘鞭那一幕。
那個下午表妹和村子裡小朋友玩得嘻嘻哈哈。
她媽我阿姨站家門口喊她回來。
我看著表妹一臉笑容跑到媽媽面前，阿姨二話不說藏背後的藤鞭狂風掃落葉往表妹身上抽打。
短短瞬間，表妹的笑臉轉為錯愕驚嚇然後慘嚎。嘗試逃離阿姨的狂鞭但一隻手被阿姨緊緊抓著。表妹小小的身體驚彈扭曲。
年幼的我完全被震憾。Total shock.
難以理解、困惑、恐懼。恐怖。完全不懂得反應。
很強烈地感覺好冤枉！
不公平！

428事件我通過網絡看見的，讀到的，被深深挑起自己年少見證的那一幕。
表妹做錯了甚麼？！（人民做錯了甚麼？）
被挑起當時內心的恐懼，對大人的信任，在那剎那的崩潰，內心深處延伸的不安全感。
當時延伸的一個信念：不可以完全信任大人，他們會不給理由以暴力對待我，不公平地懲罰我。他們可以不給我理由或告訴我我的罪名是甚麼。他們有那樣的權力。我不喜歡。可是我無法反抗。
很無力、無助的感覺。
同時很強的一股憤怒。
它被深深壓抑。我的憤怒。

(待續）

428之一：創傷後壓力失調？

428事件後，通過面書，看到好像很多人認為自己創傷後壓力失調（Post Traumatic Stress Disorder） 。

於是我想寫，關於PTSD，關於我對428事件出席者的心理創傷，我的體會及理解，我想將文字整理整齊。搞了好久，發覺我沒辦法整齊地寫。

於是我抄自己給朋友的回話（略經修改）：

PTSD是第一次世界大戰後，許多存活軍人回到家裡無法正常生活，出現許多失常狀況，而診斷出來的精神失調現象。（當時名字不叫PTSD)

我在網上看到有人說428事件後有人有PTSD需要輔導，講到好像所有出席者都有PTSD似地。正式被診斷PTSD的話，那狀況其實相當嚴重的。它的symptoms，主要症狀：1. Reliving the event, 一直flashback，戲裡看過吧？退伍軍人不停發夢或白日也不停重回戰場，曾經經歷的畫面不停真實重演，同時感受如在現場一樣intense。當事人日常生活會因這現象大受干擾，無法正常操作。2.Avoidance，基本上是withdrawn現象，迴避日常活動，情感麻木，隔離。3.Arousal，hypervigilant，容易驚跳，睡眠失調，容易生氣。PTSD 是anxiety disorder，戰爭，天災人禍（被搶劫被強奸被毆打被綁票突發事件意外死亡等等）事件的發生所導致的高度焦慮。

PTSD是精神病裡其中一個獨立的category.

我覺得許多出席428的人在經歷的其實是哀傷。人在哀傷中會有denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance的stages。第一個反應通常是shock.難以置信難以接受事情的發生，接下來在denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance之間跳來跳去。哀傷通常是因為失去（loss），世間所有可以失去的都是loss，情感、人、童年、純真、工作、東西、自信、信任etc.

我覺得428事件的另一面是，它挑起許多人潛意識裡被背叛，被遺棄的傷痛。大馬政府很大程度上遺棄及背叛人民。

(再續）

轉載：愛自己

愛自己，有人說知易行難，我想大家可能仍未清楚什麼是「愛自己」，孤且分享一下我所知的。

「愛自己」在中國人社會尤其需要提倡和搞清。首先「愛自己」不等於「自私」。中國父母一直教子女多考慮他人，有種我為人人、大局為重的情操，於是很多朋友都把自己的需要放到最後，往往變成首先設法遷就他人，然而心底不高興、不爽！有時遷就未必來自父母，而是尋求社會認同，所謂人在江湖。

例如下班同事慫恿你喝兩杯，其實要你歸邊。問心你工作辛苦，不想再參與小圈子拉攏。腦袋告訴你，不去可能被人揶揄裝清高，於是你去了。整晚皮笑肉不笑，回家捶心自問，覺得浪費時間。那為何不一早say no！？

另一例子是朋友三天兩頭約你吃飯，不過你有時情願獨處，處理私務也好，一個人呆坐亦享受。用心衡量，你發現享受獨處比維緊友誼重要，why not先考慮自己心裡最想要的，婉拒約會？

要過不抱怨的生活，愛自己是一種方法。吾友最愛抱怨經常參加飯局，席上言語無味，內容毫無養份，他情願看一本好書或騰出時間打掃。我請他拒絕飯局，學會說不，他說難為情，他希望人家覺得他是個好好先生，他是個沒所謂的人。我問﹕「你真是沒所謂嗎？不計較自己不開心嗎？你是滿心樂意地去吃嗎？尊重自己意願重要，抑或打造形象重要？好好先生是真的你嗎？」朋友啞了，忽然抱怨﹕「我沒你勇敢，我沒你口才好，我不懂說。」朋友這是賭氣話！

朋友有天埋怨﹕「我一會兒又要幫某某當搬運，一年了，每星期免費幫他工作，他從沒說聲謝謝。我說﹕「你不想幫就告訴他！這樣懷著怨氣不好。你希望朋友跟你道謝，為何不把想法告訴對方？」朋友竟說﹕「要求他多謝我顯得斤斤計較，不再幫他我又說不出口，不如你幫我說……」吓！

愛自己就要用心用行動，而不是假手於人！

愛自己是做自己的主人，而不是把主權交給人家！

愛自己就是為自己設定界線(setting up one’s boundary)，堅守範圍。

那天一個朋友打來邀約，我拒絕了。他說﹕「你一定是很忙碌，我知道的，你是忙碌的所以才不應約。」我誠實回答﹕「我不忙碌，我想留在家裡，下次再約。」我尊重我的心，我要求自己誠實，我不想找一些藉口或理由，這對自己和對朋友都不好，心在真實的時候輕鬆。

／Horseof11's Blog

Deflection

Deflection is a maneuver for turning aside from direct contact with another person. It's a way of taking the heat off the actual contact. The heat is taken off by circumlocution, by excessive language, by laughing off what one says, by not looking at the person one is talking to, by abstract rather than specific, by not getting the point, by coming up with bad examples or none at all, by politeness rather directness, by stereotyped language instead of original language, by substituting mild emotions for intense ones, by talking about the past when the present is more relevant, by talking about rather than talking to, and by shrugging off the importance of what one has just said.

/Erving & Miriam Polster, Gestalt Therapy Integrated

曾經和一班同事說話間，某人提起一件悲慘事件，很快地另一人說起自己更慘的另一事件，登時野火燎原，一人一嘴，開展「我更慘」競賽，最終變成一場笑局，最後勝出者為家裡每粒米切半，只幾顆半粒米一餐者。

好多人的交流，不碰及情感。風一動便轉移感受。
杉杉有禮，人云亦云，轉移話題，製造笑話。

我不是說這樣不好。Deflection有它存在的因由。
而是，有時，緩一緩，停一停，如果不做些甚麼，說些甚麼，自己心裡那當兒，感受了甚麼？
可願意給那感受，一點兒陪伴及認同？
認同自己，認同他人。

陪伴／尊重痛

朋友說，同學一提到親人患乳癌，空氣沉重之際，同學二抱歉地說：我不能不說這個。說了一個笑話，朋友在咖啡室抬手招呼侍應，被背後的舊式風扇削掉一片指肉，血流如注，很英國人（是，英國文化很有「若無其事」的一面）地「哦，流血了，沒事。」
笑話說罷講師說話，這對之前提到親人患乳癌的同學不尊重。
朋友對我說：需要這麼嚴肅嗎？生活不是需要一點幽默感嗎？

是，生活需要幽默感。
同時，在那一刻，那笑話起了一個作用：轉移大家心裡的難受。對未知、病痛、死亡的恐懼及焦慮。
與其感受同學一心裡的難受與掙扎。

我想起自己，曾經我多麼善於嘲笑自己的痛苦。苦中作樂。美其言。
現在回頭看，曾經我多麼無法陪伴自己的痛楚。
我將感受轉移。
無形中我否定它的存在。

而現在我發覺，所有的痛，都該被深深尊重。
被允許。

陪伴痛，痛便轉化，轉化為新的能量。
轉化為愛。
生命的成長。

不曉得該說甚麼的時候，便沉默吧。

我感謝所有曾經陪伴我的人。所有無言的失措及沉默。
是他們允許了我說：我很痛苦。
我當時需要的，只是被聽見，被看見。
他們看見我，我便看見了自己。